Microaggressions are the reality in the daily lives of people from marginalized communities at work. The insults, the indignities, the denigrating messages directed toward an individual because of their group membership. Microaggressions not only hurt; they harm someone’s ability to thrive and succeed. If you’re looking for a way to recover from them, one place to look is to Hollywood star Zendaya.
Last night, Zendaya attended her fifth Oscars ceremony. She was one of the very few people to not have a co-presenter. And she commanded the stage like a queen. Zendaya knows that the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences will keep asking her to come back over and over again because they know the power, and the viewer ratings, she carries.
But I don’t want to talk about Zendaya’s fifth Oscars. I want to talk about her first one. In 2015, when she was 18 years old, she attended the Oscars in a gorgeous Vivienne Westwood gown and locs. Giuliana Rancic, then the co-host of E’s red-carpet show, said Zendaya looked like “she smells like patchouli oil and weed.” Why? Because she was wearing locs.
That’s what it feels like to be seen as a stereotype first and a person second. To hear ignorant statements such as those. To be told that your place might be somewhere, but it is not here. And then to also be told things like, “Oh you misheard me,” “I never meant that,” “It was just a joke,” and “Why are you so sensitive?”
I call them microaggressions. I also call them the death by a thousand cuts. Because they aim to cut you down, cut by cut, and make you feel like you are not worthy of the place that you have earned. Zendaya responded with a gracious and incisive social media post about why what was said to her was racist and hurtful. Rancic, to her credit, apologized as well. It doesn’t erase what was done and how that impacts the memory of Zendaya’s first Oscars. And yet, Zendaya just returned for her fifth Academy Awards.
What can you take away from that? If you’re experiencing microaggressions in real time, here’s my advice for you.
1. Give yourself space to feel how you feel.
At that moment, you might feel angry, you might feel hurt, you might feel sad, you might want to laugh it off, you might want to ignore it, or you might want the aggressor to understand why what they did or said was wrong. All of those responses are completely valid. Take the chance to heal yourself first, before you decide whether and how you want to respond to someone else.
2. Make sure it’s worth it.
If you decide that you would like to help this person understand why what they did or said hurt, figure out first what your relationship with this person is. Is it a stranger you met on the playground? Is it a new colleague in your workplace? Is it a mentor you have had for years? Is it a client who has a history of saying these remarks?
Think about what effect it will have on you if you engage with this person. Will it affect your immediate safety right now? Will it affect the friendship that you have built? Will it affect your career? That will help you decide whether you want to respond or not. You don’t always have to be someone else’s teacher or healer.
3. Ask them to repeat what they said.
Then ask them, “Why?” Why did you say that?” You can even go further, “What did you mean by that?” The reason is twofold. One, to get them off the defensive where they start denying that they even said anything or that you were hurt. And two, it means they can start the work of figuring out why they said what they said without, again, you having to teach them.
4. Tell them why.
As they try to put into words why they said what they did, you can continue, “Here’s why what you said hurt me.” And then you can keep going, “Here’s what you can do differently.”
5. You control the narrative.
Determine what you want to do next. How much will you let someone else’s perception of you affect your interaction with your colleagues, peers, mentors, leaders, and friends? If this is a pattern of exclusion, speak with someone who has the power in your workplace to address that. Microaggressions might be micro, but they can add up to a lot, including harassment and discrimination. You reclaim that power and determine what you will do next.
In 2024, Zendaya is a solo Oscar presenter who just opened a movie grossing $400 million — and counting. Like her, you also deserve to be in the space that you have earned. Take the lesson from Zendaya. Don’t let anyone take that space away from you.
