“I was in bad shape,” the former One Direction singer said in a YouTube video on Saturday
Liam Payne is opening up about his life after alcohol.
On Saturday, the English singer posted an eight-minute video on YouTube in which he revealed that he’s nearly six months sober after spending nearly 100 days in a rehab facility in Louisiana.
“I just kind of feel like I’ve got more of a grip on life and everything that was getting away from me, I just feel like I’ve got more of a handle on it,” Payne, 29, said. “I just needed to take a little bit of time out for myself actually because I kind of became somebody who I didn’t really recognize anymore. And I’m sure you guys didn’t either. I was in bad shape up until that point and I was really happy to kind of put a stopper to life and work.”
While away, Payne was completely cut off, he said, in order to focus on his recovery. “I didn’t have my phone for nearly 100 days,” the “Strip That Down” artist said. “I didn’t connect with the outside world at all. Upon leaving, the hardest part was turning the phone back on because it was a little bit scary.”
Though the process “worked to a certain extent,” Payne noted “there was still little things that I had to deal with for myself.” So he went to Dubai where, while at a Hans Zimmer concert in January, he had an “ah-ha” moment that inspired him to stop drinking.
“I watching this beautiful symphony, I was having a drink, and I thought, ‘You know what, this isn’t really serving me at all, I don’t really need this right now,’ ” Payne recalled. “It’s the first time I’ve ever put a drink down and gone to someone else, ‘You finish this, I don’t need this right now.’ And I haven’t picked one up since, which has almost been six months, which I’m excited about.”
“It’s good, it’s good to be in this position,” he said. “I definitely don’t need those things anymore. The party’s over.”
Ever since then, Payne has “just been trying to get to know this new guy,” he shared, of himself. “I’m very lucky, thanks to you guys at home and thanks to this wonderful life that I have, that I had a vehicle to do that, which is music.”
Part of the process of moving forward has also included looking back on his past behavior through a new lens — like a June 2022 interview Payne did with Logan Paul in which he spoke critically about his former One Direction bandmates, including Zayn Malik, whom he said he “disliked.”
“A lot of what I said came from the wrong place,” Payne said on Saturday, “I was so angry at what was going on around me and instead of taking a look inwards I decided to look outwards at everybody else and I took it out on everybody else, which is just wrong, really.”
Payne was one of the founding members of One Direction, alongside Malik, Harry Styles, Niall Horan and Louis Tomlinson.
In an interview with Men’s Health Australia in 2019, Payne said he found fame difficult at the height of One Direction’s success and often turned to alcohol to help himself cope. “It’s almost like putting the Disney costume on before you step up on stage and underneath the Disney costume I was pissed quite a lot of the time because there was no other way to get your head around what was going on,” he said to the outlet. “I mean, it was fun. We had an absolute blast, but there were certain parts of it where it just got a little bit toxic.”
After finding superstardom together, One Direction went on hiatus in 2015. All have gone on since to pursue solo careers, Payne releasing his debut solo album LP1 in 2019.
“My own frustrations with my own career and where I kind landed, I took shots at everybody else which is wrong,” Payne said in his YouTube video on Saturday. “So obviously, I want to apologize for that because obviously, that is not me. …You don’t really realize the impact that your words might have on other people.”
Liam Payne Explains Why He’ll Always Support Zayn Malik Even When He Doesn’t Agree with His Choices
He went on note how all of his former One Directioners “have really stuck by” him during his time of need. “When I needed them most they kind of came to my rescue, even Zayn as well,” said Payne.
And despite his regrets, Payne did say he saw the benefit of doing Paul’s podcast, crediting it as a turning point in his sobriety journey. “It’s probably one of those life-changing moments that saved my life in a way,” Payne said, noting his more “humbled,” mindset.
Elsewhere in his YouTube video, Payne thanked his ex Cheryl and their 6-year-old son Bear for “giving me a little bit of freedom to go and get well in that moment, because I had to.”
Getting help is something the singer sees as an opportunity to strengthen his bond with his son. “There’s no point trying to be a dad when you’ve nothing to teach,” he said. “I don’t think up until this point I had much to say to him other than just caring for him deeply and loving for him very deeply, which are obviously the most important things.”
“The time with Bear has been really, really great. … He’s awesome. He’s growing up far too quickly,” said Payne, noting how his son likes to tease him over text message. “He actually texted me the other day off his iPad, saying, ‘Hello dad. Write.’ What? You’re 6! Like, what are you doing. I tried to make a joke…and I put, ‘Ello’ with no H and the simple response I got back was, ‘No, no, it’s not Ello, it’s Hello, with an H.’ So he’s learning very quickly. He’s far more smarter than I think I’ll ever be. He’s a wonder. But he’s definitely learning to talk at this moment in time. It’s a lot of fun to be around to watch him grow.”
Never miss a story — sign up for PEOPLE’s free daily newsletter to stay up-to-date on the best of what PEOPLE has to offer, from juicy celebrity news to compelling human interest stories.
Meanwhile, fans can expect to see Payne out on the road in a South American tour he’s going on “sooner than you think.”
“Am I scared? Yes, a little bit, ’cause it’s kind of the only bit of performing that I haven’t road-tested in this new frame of mind and not having anything to learn on is quite daunting. But I’m sure I’ll be fine,” he said, joking, “Famous last words.”
“Thanks for sticking by me,” he wrote in the caption.
If you or someone you know is struggling with substance abuse, please contact the SAMHSA helpline at 1-800-662-HELP.
